‘BAD DAY AT ETON GROVE’
A psychological thriller by Scoop le Fix
Scene I: A Psychiatrist’s consulting room; the Doctor sits, legs crossed, a pad open on his knee; on the couch – a worried man, his hand raised to his furrowed brow, begins to talk:
Max (for it is he): “Doctor: you have to help me – I keep having these awful nightmares’
Doctor: “ How terrible – you poor chap. Tell me all about it”.
Max: “Well, I’m with my cricket club - the Washington – at this strange ground we’ve never played at before. It’s one of those typical council pitches – a green space set amongst dense rows of 1930s housing, with a range of metal cages at the edge where local youths are kicking footballs about etc.”
Doctor: “I know of such places.”
Max: “Anyway, we get there, and our hosts seem very nice – they are all Asian, love their cricket; I walk out with their captain onto the wicket, the coin is tossed and it is decided that we will bowl first”.
Doctor: “How did you feel at this point?”
Max: “Happy, elated – a sense of well-being”
Doctor: “No signs of sexual arousal?”
Max: “Not at this point, no”
Doctor: “Carry on”
Max: “Well, it all starts off very well: everything we do seems to work perfectly. Our opening bowlers get their lengths right from the start. Richard Creed opens up, bowling his lively medium pacers and gets an early breakthrough; from the other end Keith Williams does a good supporting job and is unlucky not to take a wicket. The fielding is good, and they simply can’t score’.
Doctor: “And your mood?”
Max: “Oh very positive: and it gets better – I come on to bowl myself and pick up three quick wickets; Abisheck Thakur picks up a beauty with his fast left-armers; and from the other end Stuart Marsh is unplayable and picks up 4”
Doctor: “Any arousal at this point?”
Max: “Most definitely”
Doctor: “Well that’s only to be expected in a man of your age and build. Carry on.’
Max: “Well now it begins to get a little uglier. Our openers, Alex Britten (6) and Matt Cheviott (9) clearly find it hard going - the ball is doing plenty – one leaping up off a length; the next shooting along the floor. They get the score to 14; then Brian Wingfield (1) comes in and gets his first single for the club. But then, then …. [weeping]’
Doctor: ‘Come along, Max: I can’t help you if you won’t face it.’
Max: ‘[sniffs] Then, it all starts going wrong – wicket after wicket after wicket – the ball endlessly hitting the stumps – the cream of our batsmen falling where they stand! Richard Brown –bowled for 1! Aftab Akram, bowled for 7! Abdul Aziz, bowled for 3!, On and on it goes! Marshie, bowled for 0! Keith W, bowled for 0!, Me … me, the captain! Bowled for 0!!!’
Doctor: ‘Goodness! Was there no resistance?’
Max: ‘Yes, yes, there was – Abisheck and Creedy: they added 13 for the last wicket – got us to within 6 runs of victory, and then, Richard is bowled! Bowled I tell you! For three!” [renewed wailing and sobbing]…..
Scene II: The same psychiatrist’s waiting room; on the couch, Max lies gagged and tied up in a strait-jacket; The psychiatrist stands with a nurse.
Nurse: “Is this really necessary doctor”
Doctor: “Yes, I’m afraid so; he’s clearly delusional – no Washington team could collapse like that. The loony bin is the only option, I’m afraid’.
FINIS
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